From Shadows to Light: Embracing Power with Compassion on the Journey of Self-Discovery

 For roughly the last twenty years of my life or so, I’ve been completely devoted to, if not obsessed with, personal development courses and was just looking at my stack of certificates I’ve collected over the years that I must admit, are actually worthless.  Not one of these pieces of paper will get me into a higher paying job, not one of these pieces of paper will get me into a prestigious university, and not one of these pieces of paper will guarantee me any sort of societal recognition or validation. 

 

However, what these certificates represent to me is something far more valuable than external rewards. They are a testament to the countless hours I’ve spent learning, growing, and transforming myself from the inside out.

 

Each course, each workshop, each seminar, was a step on a journey that has shaped who I am today. While they may not hold monetary value, they have given me tools, insights, and experiences that have enriched my life in ways that a higher-paying job or a prestigious title never could. They symbolize my commitment to self-improvement, my courage to face my fears, and my willingness to continually evolve.

 

These pieces of paper may not fit the traditional mold of success, but to me, they represent the essence of what it means to live a fulfilled and authentic life.

Each ten day retreat, every weekend course, and every 6 month immersion; the medicine journeys, the vision quests, the silent retreats, the coaching programs, the intensive workshops, the hundreds of hours of breathwork sessions, the transformational festivals, the meditation marathons, and the countless hours spent in reflection and journaling—all of these experiences have been the real currency of my transformation.

 

 They’ve been the crucibles in which I’ve faced my deepest fears, uncovered hidden strengths, and discovered truths about myself that I never knew existed.

 

Every time I stepped into these spaces, I wasn’t just collecting certificates; I was collecting wisdom, gaining insight, and a deeper understanding of who I am. These experiences have taught me resilience, patience, and compassion—both for myself and for others. They’ve guided me through my darkest moments and celebrated with me in my triumphs.

 

While the world might not see the value in these pieces of paper, I see them as milestones on a journey of self-discovery and personal evolution. They are reminders of the work I’ve done and the miles I’ve traveled on the path to becoming the person I am today.

 

Almost 8 years ago my life was suddenly shoved in a new direction.  I say a new direction because it sounds better to me than the painful truth I experienced.  The life I had came to a screeching halt and the world I was living in came crumbling down around me.  I lost my business, my home, my family, and then my earthly possessions and my vehicle were stripped away from me as well and I had to rely on the good graces of my friends to stay off the streets and get back on my feet.

 

It felt as if everything I had built, everything I had worked so hard for, was ripped out from under me in an instant. I was left standing in the rubble of a life that no longer existed, wondering how I would ever pick up the pieces.

 

In those first few months, I was consumed by pain and confusion. I questioned everything—my choices, my purpose, even my very identity. The life I had known, the roles I had played, and the future I had envisioned were all gone. It was a time of profound loss, and I was forced to confront the emptiness left behind.  

 

But in the midst of that darkness, something unexpected happened. With nothing left to hold onto, I began to discover parts of myself that had long been buried under the weight of my previous life. Stripped of everything, I was finally able to see what truly mattered. The journey that followed wasn’t easy, but it was necessary. It led me to a place of deeper understanding, resilience, and growth.

 

Looking back now, I realize that the painful truth of losing everything was, in fact, a blessing in disguise. It pushed me into uncharted territory, forcing me to rebuild from the ground up—not just my external life, but my internal world as well. Through that process, I’ve come to appreciate the value of what I’ve gained: a stronger sense of self, a renewed sense of purpose, and a life that is more aligned with who I truly am.

One night in what I call my darkest hour, I had a conversation with my spiritual teacher. I will never forget the words she said to me one night on a phone call. “It’s time for you to pick yourself up and get out into the world and teach.” 

 

Those words hit me like a bolt of lightning. In that moment, something deep inside me shifted. It wasn’t just a suggestion; it was a calling. My spiritual teacher saw something in me that I was struggling to see in myself—a strength, a wisdom, and a resilience that had been forged through the fires of my experiences.

 

She was right. I had spent so much time immersed in learning, healing, and transforming, but I had been hesitant to step into the role of a teacher, a guide. There was a part of me that still felt broken, still felt unworthy of leading others. But her words ignited a spark within me, a realization that my journey wasn’t just for me—it was meant to be shared.

 

It was time for me to take everything I had learned, everything I had been through, and turn it into something that could help others. I knew I couldn’t keep hiding in the shadows of my past pain. It was time to step forward, to embrace my path, and to start sharing my knowledge, my insights, and my truth with the world.

 

That conversation marked the beginning of a new chapter in my life. Reluctantly, I started teaching, guiding others through their own journeys of self-discovery and healing. And as I did, I found that my own wounds began to heal in ways I hadn’t thought possible and that I didn’t know I needed. I’ve discovered that by helping others find their way, I am also finding my own.

 

The process hasn’t been easy, but it’s been deeply rewarding. I now see that my spiritual teacher’s words were a turning point—a moment of awakening that set me on a path of service, purpose, and fulfillment. Teaching has become not just what I do, but who I am. And for that, I will always be grateful.

 

Yet there is a dark side to this.  A part that has been even more challenging to overcome. 

 

My past.

 

I must admit, I am no saint.  I’ve got a checkered past that seems to follow me no matter where I go.  I had walked away from a thriving career in the music business back in the early 2000’s and instead pursued my love of fitness and martial arts as a full time gig.  I thought that if I just changed careers and friend circles I could leave the unsavory parts of my past life behind.

 

But I quickly learned that the past isn’t something you can simply outrun or erase. No matter how much I tried to reinvent myself, the shadows of my former life seemed to cling to me. The mistakes I made, the wrong choices, the people I hurt—all of it weighed heavily on me, like a dark cloud that followed me wherever I went.

 

In the music business, I had lived a fast-paced, often reckless life, filled with excess and indulgence. I was surrounded by temptation, and I didn’t always make the best decisions. When I left that world behind, I thought I could start fresh, but the guilt and shame I carried didn’t just disappear with my new career. They haunted me, seeping into every aspect of my life, and no amount of fitness or martial arts training could knock them out of me.

 

There were times when I felt like an imposter, like I didn’t deserve to be teaching or guiding others because of my own flawed past. I questioned whether I was truly worthy of this new path, or if I was just fooling myself. The darkness of my past loomed large, and it took every ounce of strength I had to keep moving forward.

 

But over time, I began to realize that the very things I was running from were also the things that could make me a better teacher, a more compassionate guide. My past, with all its mistakes and missteps, had given me experiences that many others could relate to. It has taught me empathy, humility, and the importance of second chances.

 

I learned that healing isn’t about erasing the past, but about integrating it—acknowledging the darkness, learning from it, and using it to fuel your growth. The journey hasn’t been easy, and there are still days when my past tries to pull me back into its grip. But I’ve come to see that my history, no matter how checkered, is an integral part of who I am. It’s made me stronger, more resilient, and more equipped to help others who may be struggling with their own demons.

 

I’m still on this journey, still working to fully embrace all parts of myself—the light and the dark. And while the shadows of my past may never fully disappear, I’ve learned that they don’t have to define me. Instead, they can serve as a powerful reminder of how far I’ve come, and of the endless possibilities that lie ahead when you choose to face your darkness and step into the light.

 

Here I am now, present day, in a new role as teacher, facilitator and guide. One that apparently gives me authority and power over others. A role I have a hard time accepting as fact. But I have been told recently that many people are afraid of me, afraid of my power, afraid of how I may react to voices of descent. This hurts my heart. 

 

I never set out to wield power over others or to instill fear. My intention has always been to guide, to support, and to uplift those around me. But somewhere along the way, it seems that the strength I’ve cultivated through my journey has been perceived as something intimidating rather than inspiring. This realization has been difficult for me to process.

 

I understand that my past and the resilience I’ve developed have shaped me into someone who carries a certain presence. But to hear that people are afraid of me—that they fear how I might react if they disagree with me—troubles me deeply. It’s a reminder that the power I’ve gained through my experiences must be handled with care and consciousness. Power, after all, is a double-edged sword. It can be used to uplift and inspire, but it can also unintentionally cause harm or create distance.

 

I never wanted to be seen as someone who is unapproachable or whose reactions are feared. It’s important to me that the people in my life, whether students, friends, or colleagues, feel safe and supported, even when they challenge me. I’ve spent years learning to listen, to hold space for others, and to approach every situation with compassion and understanding. But it seems that I may have overlooked the impact of my own presence and the responsibility that comes with it.

 

This is a wake-up call for me—a chance to reflect on how I show up in the world and how I can create an environment where people feel free to express themselves, even when it means offering dissenting opinions. I want to be someone who empowers others, not someone who silences them. I want to use whatever influence I have to build trust, foster open communication, and encourage growth, not to create fear or hesitation.

 

Moving forward, I’m committed to being more mindful of how I carry myself and how I engage with others. I’ll strive to lead with humility, to be open to feedback, and to ensure that my presence is one that invites connection rather than distance. This is yet another layer of growth for me, another challenge to embrace on my path. And while it’s painful to hear that my impact hasn’t always been what I intended, I’m grateful for the opportunity to learn and to do better.