Dear Dad,

Dear Dad,

 

Today is fathers day and so I decided to go and visit you. It’s been a while, so I had a really tough time finding you but after I found the groundskeeper they were able to help me locate your headstone. While you were not my biological father you were the one I called “Dad.”

 

Today everyone is posting all these wonderful things on Facebook about their dads and fathers and how great they were, and there are even memes and posts thanking all the step daddy’s for stepping up and being “real men.” I guess I could thank you for “stepping up” but that would not be as authentic as I feel it should be. I wish that I actually had something nice to say or post about you, but the truth is; you were an asshole.

 

I can’t for the life of me figure out why my mom stayed with you all those years. I watched you beat her more times than I can count and often you would rampage and smash all the stuff in our house, punching and kicking giant holes in the walls and throwing things through the windows to the point the police would show up and take my brother and I away from the house. I have scars on my back, my face and my skull from the various times you beat me up, and one time you beat me up so badly I had to stay in the hospital ICU for nearly a month. I don’t have any happy memories of you, not one. I just remember you smashing all the toys in my room…all my toys that I really loved…. and the times I got sent to bed without supper, all the times I got back handed and all the times I got punched and didn’t even know why you were doing it or what I had done wrong. I remember you hitting my mom and my brother and sometimes thinking while you were doing that….well at least it isn’t me this time.

 

I don’t even remember what or why I was being punished for any of those things or why you got so mad all the time. I just remember that I was pretty much always being punished for something and that I was always afraid of you, never knowing if you were going to fly off the handle and hit me for something. Kids aren’t supposed to be afraid of their dads but I was literally terrified of you.

 

I sat with you in quite for a while today and it was the first time I was around you and I wasn’t afraid, You didn’t hit me or scream at me…you just listened. There are many things I would have liked to have said to you, many of them not very nice, but what it really comes down to is that despite all of the bullshit you put me through, I still love you. You are still the only man I ever knew as Dad and while I don’t agree with my moms choice to stay with you I know that you did try to do your best to fill the role of dad.

I would have rather had a dad who taught me to play ball or sports; you never did teach me how to play catch…I had to learn on the streets; you never did teach me how to ride a bike….I learned that on the streets as well. You never did teach me how to swim, but I finally found a coach and took lessons just last summer. When you were in hospice care and I was told you had limited time to live, I was crushed. My dreams of being able to have any sort of quality time with you had been completely destroyed. But at the same time, I was glad you were going to die. You were a monster and I hated you…..right up until I visited you there in hospice.

 

You were laying in the bed in your hospital gown and you reached out and grabbed my hand. You had never done that before so it actually scared the crap out of me. I thought you were going to hit me or something but instead you looked me in the eye and you said you were sorry. You said that you did the best that you knew how and that you knew it wasn’t good enough. You asked me to forgive you for all the wrongs you had done. I said that I would.

 

Then…..you told me that you loved me. I’d never heard those words from you before. Something about the way you asked me to forgive you made all the pain and bad memories go away. Yet I’ve stayed away from your grave until today. The truth is dad….I didn’t actually let it go. I wanted to and for years I thought I did, but what really happened is that I stuffed away all those bad feelings just the way you taught me to and those feelings have been deep inside of me fueling my life and my personal evolution since your passing.
I’ve learned many things since you have been gone but the most important thing I’ve learned is how to love and how to feel and express my true and authentic self. You taught me that real men don’t show emotions but I’ve learned that isn’t true at all. Real men show compassion and the full spectrum of emotions.

 

As a teenager my fear of you drove me to the streets where I had to learn to defend myself, a skill which I have honed so well that I have made a career of teaching fitness and self-defense.
So while you may not have been the greatest dad or the best example, you did provide a great example of what not to do and your actions have fueled me in such a way that I have made a positive impact on my community.

 

My children will never be afraid of their father, and my wife will never worry about whether or not her husband may raise a hand to her. My daughters will never have to worry that dad may fly off the handle.

 

They will know only love and compassion. That is my promise not just to you dad, but to myself and to my family.

 

So today dad… I forgive you. Today I let everything go, Today I let the past stay in the past and I am now free to create a future of my choosing.